AIMS Work

- By Karen

The speed bumps in one's life come in various disguises. The most significant one I can remember happened at Fort Flagler, near Seattle, where Satguru Mata Amritanandamayi started her 1995 U.S.tour with a retreat overlooking Puget Sound.

A friend and I signed up,and a week later faxed a cancellation of our reservation during a moment of panic when we thought we might be falling into a cult, and then re-faxed our re-registration a few days later.

And so we arrived that very first evening and watched as everyone knew what to do, knew what to say, knew where to sit, knew the words to the strange sounding songs, knew when to prostrate on the floor, knew when to stand up, knew the significance of the orange robes some people wore. My mind was swirling. People were sitting in a line that was miles long for something they called darshan which only could be explained as a hug from the woman in white. People would smile at us and assure us that we'd understand when we finally made our way to Amma (or Mother) at the head of the line.

Nothing had prepared me for this. At the rate we were moving, I calculated it would be 3:00 in the morning before we were the recipient of this infamous hug, and by then, I would probably be too tired to understand the significance. And so I did what any sane person would do; I created a reason to leave. I was taken to the hospital that evening with a kidney stone. So much for spirituality at the beach. I spent a painful weekend at the hospital, flashing only occasionally on how this woman in white could be so significant and what we may have missed.

However, at some unconscious level, something must have happened, for not three weeks later, I found myself in SantaFe with Amma on another stop on her tour. There I experienced the power and wonder of this magical woman and realized how much I was missing in my life. I was also introduced to her unbelievable palette of charitable activities. It didn't take long to realize that my healthcare consulting experience might be beneficial to the project, and despite a work and travel schedule that was already overwhelming, I offered to lend a hand in building Her 800-bed hospital in Kerala. Thus,I canceled other plans and continued on with the tour to Dallas. It was there that Mother gave me the spiritual name of Sneha, meaning friend, affection, love, depending on who you ask.

As I focused on the hospital, my areas of responsibility narrowed down to human resources, computers, and communication, joyfully working as my schedule permitted with Madhuri and her team at the San Ramon ashram.

Dr. Prem Nair, who was in charge of the immense hospital project in India,suggested to me that I must spend sometime learning firsthand how Indian hospitals normally function and maybe spending sometime at the ashram. Thus, I joined Mother on her tour in Melbourne, Australia, and went on to Singapore before heading to Chennai and finally to the ashram.

In Australia, Prem, Ron(from the San Ramon ashram),and I spent long hours discussing the organization of the hospital, setting up a staffing budget, and outlining an approach to personnel administration that would create a family atmosphere despite the large number of employees.

While Mother gave darshan to the devotees, we worked at my computer sometimes 12 hours a day, and then I would stay up most of the night organizing the notes and trying to prepare for the next day's discussions, We also designed a slide show for Ron to show to Indian physicians trained in the United States and Europe who might like to return to India to work in a state –of-the-art tertiary care hospital.

I wanted to please Ron whose mind moved with the speed of lightening bolt: wanted to please Prem who had set high expectations of what could be accomplished with Amma's bountiful grace and limited financial resources .But most of all, I wanted to please Amma, the wonderful lady with sparkling eyes who compassionately seemed to know who you were from the inside out.

I was exhilarated but also exhausted. And as the days wore on ,I began to struggle internally with the very real possibility that it might be time to end my high –powered career in the States and live a life of devotion and service. I knew my friends, relatives, and consulting clients would never understand such a drastic change from the life of luxury I had created. And yet , there was an emptiness that for the very first time in my life, Mother's teachings seemed to fill.

It was in Singapore on the American Thanksgiving day that a friend from the ashram I had met in Dallas during the tour recently told me that she had been observing my workaholic behavior while on tour with Mother.

She reminded me that spiritual practices ,meditation, sitting with Mother while she gave darshan, singing bhajans, etc. was just as important if not more so than working (even if it was Amma's hospital project I was working on) and that I might want to consider rearranging my priorities. I was devastated that someone thought all my hardwork was inappropriate.

It took about three hours for her words to sink in ,and by noon I had dissolved in tears, realizing that I had simply transferred my western workaholic behavior to Amma' s hospital project, having missed the whole reason I was supposedly in the presence of a famous realized Master.

In that moment it seemed I was as far away from the possibility of a spiritual life as any human could be. Prem, always supportive, thought we were working on staffing the Outpatient Clinic at the hospital, but he soon realized my tears blinded any chance of progress in that arena .And so he suggested turning the issue over to Mother.

No Judgement. No Blame. Just a simple " Why don' t you ask Mother?"

I responded to his suggestion by sniffling my way through typing a short note:

Dear Mother ,

I am so confused between my desire to serve you and my desire to lead a life very different from my present one of working 24 hours a day and little time for spiritual practices .

With the Aims project , I may just be exchanging one kind of work for another.!

And then there is still the issue of a whole other life in America.

Shall I continue living in two different worlds? Shall I give that up and devote my life to you?

If coming to India to live is your desire , can you help me balance work and spiritual practices? Or is AIMS work a spiritual practice?

Please help me understand all this and to take step toward a course of action which will best serve You.

With deep love and awe,

Karen

Knowing I had no choice but to walk downstairs to the darshan line and give my question to Mother, I suddenly panicked thinking she will be too busy to read the note .Or she will laugh .Or worse yet, she will tell me to return to my worldly possessions and millions of friends and let those who have worked their whole life to become enlightened do their work with her. That I was unworthy!

But no, she knew the tears of pain were real, and she respectfully and patiently listened while Prem translated the note in Malayalam, and then she explained that many people spend hours every day sitting near her.. That it is so much better if one is, instead, truly doing Selfless Service.

With one of those special smiles she is known for, she told Prem to explain to me that she was encouraging me to continue doing selfless work but to come be with her whenever I felt the need. I couldn't believe my ears. The drama was over. The weight was off me. Mother has validated selfless service as a spiritual practice. I knew it was my job to see that it truly was selfless, not ego-based. But that's another article…And so I joyfully climbed the stairs to the little office we had created on the floor and energetically returned to work.

The tour continued in Chennai where I was asked if, instead of flying to Trivandrum as planned to get to the ashram, whether I wanted to join the already overcrowded buses accompanying Mother's car for the three day journey. Never wanting to miss anything, I jumped at the chance.

At one point, we were all in the Bhavani river where two rivers come together to a form a rather strong current. Mother swam with amazing strength and grace as she chided the Indian girls who were afraid to swim. Two experiences at that site that will stay with me forever. The westerners were all lined up near Mother looking back at the Indian girls, who couldn't swim to our side. They were clinging to the other wall and each other for fear of being swept out with the current, and despite their fear they were singing bhajans gloriously with the most beautiful faces filled with love and adoration. It was one of the most significant Kodak moments I have ever missed.

Recently, old fears have begun to surface as I prepared to head for home. I went to Amma in tears and told her I didn't feel I was good enough to be a spiritual aspirant. That I am not spiritual enough.

Her response through the interpreter, as she wiped away the tears was, "A cancer check is of no value after you have cancer. You must check beforehand. Do not worry about the past. Do not wait until you are pure to come to take to the spiritual path. You need to start somewhere to become pure, to learn how to lead a spiritual life."

And now I wait eagerly for her beckoning. I may never become pure, but I truly believe that with Amma's guidance I have a much better chance than I would on my own.

Experience Stories