Experiences with Amma

My son, Amma wants to see you laughing always...

I am not much for doing seva during Amma's programs, preferring to just wander around like I am on an aimless vacation. Before the summer 2001 tour, Daya , from the San Ramon ashram , told me that I had been "recommended" for some seva. Now this was different. I was secretly delighted, thinking that perhaps it was lap seva or translation, something glamorous that involved being close to Amma. I didn't let on my hopes, but coolly said that I supposed I could do whatever was required.

Daya then said that I was supposed to clean the men's toilets, and generously offered to let me choose between the flush toilets and the pit toilets near the dining area! When I confessed to her what I was hoping for, she said that this job had the potential for glamour, as I might encounter swamis who came to use the bathrooms while I was on duty. Finally, I did do the cleaning, with bleach and everything!

If you remember, last November someone from the San Ramon ashram asked Amma about her opinions regarding how women were regarded at the Indian ashram. Well, Amma announced at that time that I was afraid of women. I hadn't told her I was, but confessed it was true. She took up the argument once again this summer, and gently chided me for considering women as inferior. Again, I admitted that sometimes I did entertain such opinions. "How could you think that, seeing that a woman gave birth to you?" She said in a serious tone. "Well that is how all this trouble started, isn't it?" I muttered resentfully.

I think it was the next day that Amma asked me to wear a sari and go and sing on stage. I did not want to, and told her that there was no sari to wear. Some busybody then piped up that there were saris in the store. I told Amma, "Surely you don't want me to buy a sari just for this" and quickly went onto the stage to sing. There was no shortage of busybodies that day, another person immediately bought a sari from the store, and Amma called me from the stage. By now, I figured that I should atleast hide my embarrassment and let Amma and some women drape the sari on me. I even cooperated, and posed with the sari around my head. Amma asked me "Why are you so embarrassed? Women wear pants all the time. It's ironic that you men [She indicated some of us] think women are inferior, but end up worshipping the Divine Mother!"

Janani was busy videotaping, and I called to her not to put all this on some world tour cassette. Amma then asked me to wear the sari while singing, and I put on my most reluctant expression, told her that I really didn't want to. She said okay. So I took off the sari, and sang the slow bhajan Kannante Kaalocha.

The next day I was sitting quietly, and one of the swamis asked me why I was not near Amma as I usually like to find my way near her somehow. When I told him that I wasn't in the mood, he told me that my given name, Nandakumar, is not just a name for Krishna, and it meant the boy who delights people (Nandakam means delight). He indicated that it was my "job" to amuse.Someone suggested that I dress up as Amma. I readily agreed, and wearing one of those long dresses and with a white scarf like Amma's around my head and lower face, I approached Amma with no one noticing anything amiss.

There, I pretended to be Amma, and imitated her gestures and words. Amma found it hugely amusing. I was a little worried that my behaviour was too casual in front of Amma. Amma said that I should be free with her like a child with his own mother, and not worry about it. She asked me to go and sing again, and this time I wore the dress and sang Apaara Kripaalo. Amma said that she liked my singing, and that I sang with feeling, which pleased me of course. I was also not as embarrassed as the previous night. Some people told me they found the whole exchange very healing and meaningful to them, as a breaking of gender roles.

The funny thing is, I did get my seva close to Amma after all. My seva was to make Amma and everybody laugh. Throughout the tour, people kept asking me to go and make Amma laugh for they loved to see Amma in that mood constantly. And they requested me to do it sometimes when I was not in a mood. Amma asked why I talked about so much stress in my life; She always saw me laughing. I said that my constant laughter was mainly when she was there. Somehow, like being in the shade of a tree I suppose, her presence soothes and relaxes.

During darshan in Los Angeles, she whispered in my ear, "my daughter, my daughter." I was so surprised, but when I suddenly realized that she was joking, I burst out laughing. She joined me in my laughter, and said, "Laughter should always burst out of you just like now."

With Love,

Vallath (Nandu) Nandakumar.

Video on Amma